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needs and wants
Attachment Theory | Relationships | Understanding Your Type
Needs and wants in a relationship

Do you love bread as much as I do? Do you know what your needs and wants are in a relationship? Think of your relationship needs like being your bread and your wants are like jam. Depending on what your love style is your going to need and want different things to fulfill you.

Needs versus Wants:

Needs are those things you gotta have like affection, attention, a best friend, or someone who calms you down, someone who gets you. Getting your needs met is crucial for your long term happiness. Read the ten things that Millennials need versus want. 

Your wants are less important, you may want a man who is 6′ tall, vegan, has the same political viewpoints and if he doesn’t drink with a straw you will definitely swipe right. When crafting your profile you talk about your wants, ‘looking for a 6′ vegan guy, who’s gonna protest with me oh yeah, and no straws, either.’  But even if you find a guy who doesn’t drink from a straw, will he put a ring on it?

Love Style Differences: 

If you are a Secure Sophia what you need from a partner is a person who is dependable and balances your life. You need a partner who will support you emotionally and someone to have fun with. For Nervous Nora, she needs her partner to see her, validate her, and spend quality time with.  Nora needs to feel like her man is her best friend and she can tell him anything. Independent Isabelle doesn’t need this same level of connection but what she needs is space to live her own life. Confused Connie needs to know that she can trust this person, that they aren’t going to hurt her, that she is safe. Based on her attachment style, each woman is going to have different needs. Not sure who you are? Take my love style quiz here.

Relationship Satisfaction:

Getting your needs and wants to be met in your relationship will no doubt make you happy and content. Particularly during periods of stress, your needs can feel urgent.  For example, if you are Nora and you have an important job interview coming up you love hearing your guy cheer you on. It doesn’t matter if your guy’s in an important meeting, at least he sends you a text, saying ‘Go get them, girl!’  When Isabelle is stressed she doesn’t need a text at all. In fact, Isabelle prefers space, she needs to go for a long run by herself. Before her interview, she doesn’t need a distraction she needs peace.

Having your needs met in your relationship makes you feel more in love with your partner.

Unmet Needs: 

But what happens when you don’t get your bread, even if it’s gluten-free bread? A girl’s gotta eat!  Without bread, you will feel hungry and resentful. For Nora, if her partner is unavailable she will feel rejected and abandoned. If you’re gonna crowd Isabelle she will feel resentful and trapped. If Connie doesn’t feel safe she will either shut down or leave altogether out of fear and anger.

Wants:  Sophia wants intellectual stimulation with her partner; staying up all night debating differing viewpoints is stimulating. Nora wants her relationship to be rock solid, and looking good to others will help too. She wants to know what to expect and that you have a future with your beau. Isabelle wants to know that her contribution matters and that she is not in trouble with her guy. Connie wants to be able to come and go as she pleases.

Think that maybe your online profile with 69 non-negotiable might be too much? Maybe it’s time to re-write it. Check out my post, How to Find Love in 15 seconds.

Summary:  Eating bread is not going to make you fat, it’s going to make you feel satisfied.  Get clear on what’s most important to you, remember the rest is all jam. Drop me a comment I wanna hear what you’re thinking about this one?

Back to Love Doc

 

6 comments to " Needs and wants in a relationship "

  • You hit the nail on the head Diane!! There is a HUGE difference between Needs and Wants. That said I see folks all the time with this long list of Wants and Needs and when they meet with new, potential partners, they go thru their list marking off what might be true and there. I think the first issue is to understand, like you said, the difference between the two. Then perhaps work on “Boiling” down the needs list. Know, as in any negotiation, what is the minimum that needs to be met (Also known as to when you walk away!). Once that is complete you can add additional Needs that then perhaps, if you can express what your wants are, you meet someone that can meet a few of those two. Bottom line using a Sales Metaphor — “You don’t get what you want you get what you negotiate”! Good Luck to all.

  • Navy,
    Thanks for your response, I didn’t think of it as sales but I can see the similarities.
    Best,
    Dr. Diane

    • The truth Diane is that we are “always selling”….. whether it be trying to get someone to work on a project; help build a solution; learn more about each other…… So, while the word “Sales” could conjure up negative thoughts/comparison, one needs to look at what you do everyday and you will see how many times you are “selling”!!

    • Morga

      A love need is more like breathing it’s a compulsion to live a want need is more like entertainment

  • Thanks so much for the blog article.Really thank you! Fantastic.

  • “Really enjoyed this article post.Really looking forward to read more. Really Great.”

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