are you in a secure relationship

Are you in a secure relationship?

Chances are if you’re in a secure relationship you know it. What about you? Are you in a secure relationship? Secure may be another word for happy, or content, ideally, you are in a relationship that meets your needs.

Takes two people to agree: 

A couple is the only one who can vote on this. Both people have to agree that they are in a secure relationship. If one person feels insecure and uncertain about the future of the relationship it becomes the other person’s issue as well. Being in a secure relationship means that both partners are happy. Ideally, you both would feel safe, have your emotional needs met, and there is more positive versus negative energy.

Don’t take it for granted: 

In some ways, your relationship status is kinda like your physical health. If your health is good it’s easy to take it for granted. But when you are not feeling well chances are you know it. Signs for an unhealthy relationship include losing sleep, being unable to concentrate, and overall unhappiness. But when it comes to secure or happy relationships they are more similar than they are different. Similar words that describe secure relationships are- healthy, happy, and loving. I’ve created an analogy for SECURE to define the term.

Look for the following ingredients:

Safety: both partners feel comfortable and taken care of
Empathy: for each other
Calm each other: knowing what your partner needs to relax
Understanding: your partner’s good intentions in their actions
Repairing hurts: saying ‘I’m sorry’ when misunderstandings happen
Enjoy: each other’s company

Similar to Parent-Child Relationships:

Romantic relationships mimic parent-child relationships for many reasons. Think about it, in no other relationship, such as friendship or other family do you expect as much from your partner than you did as a child. Children are dependent on their parents and in many ways, you may also feel dependent on your partner. After all, they are the ones you turn to for support, for joy and expression of happiness and you expect to give and receive a fair amount to this relationship.


When it comes to statistics everyone has heard the bleakest of the numbers, that’s right only 50% of marriage actually makes it. However, this number may not be accurate, because many people who get married multiple times inflate these statistics. The divorce rates have been going down for decades, and people are also delaying marriage too. In many ways taking your time may be a good idea so that you are not surprised by whom you’ve chosen as a partner.

Insecure versus Secure:

A person can be insecure but still crate a secure relationship. A secure relationship is different than being a secure person. A secure relationship is defined by feeling safe and both people getting their attachment needs to be met. Both partners are generally content and relaxed.

If your relationship has some but not all of these ingredients, what is missing? Look at my list for reference and journal about those ingredients that are missing. Before approaching your partner with a complaint think about things you can really do to make you feel more secure. Make a note of this and come back to it, ask yourself periodically as a couple, how are we doing?

Earning Security: 

In a good relationship, you can earn security.  Earned security means that as an individual you benefit by becoming more secure as a result of your relationship.  This transformation takes on average five years in a good relationship.  For me personally, it took less time, for others, it takes longer.  Security, however, doesn’t come easily for most, both partners in a couple need to be curious about one another and know what their partner needs and wants.

Summary: A secure relationship is possible for most people.  With effort any couple can become more secure, it starts with knowing yourself and knowing your partner. Does this definition help? What about you? Is your relationship secure?

Is love holding you back?

Over the years I have seen that when it comes to dating and relationships there are four pillars for achieving the secure love that you’re working for.

Step one – How To Get Over Your Ex: If you’re still pining over the past, it’s going to be hard to grab onto the future. You might need to kick things into gear by finally moving on so that you can move forward. Get the course

Step two – Learn How to Date: Tired of the rinse and repeat strategies? It’s time you learned how to truly connect in the dating process, spot red flags, and move through the relationship stages in a healthy way. Get the Course

Step three – Understand Your Love Style: become secure in who you are by diving deeper into your individual love style (take my quiz to find out which love style is you). I have developed individual courses for Nervous Love Style, the Independent Love Style, the Confused Love Style and the Secure Love Style.

Step four – Know How To Find The One: put all of the pieces together by understanding the strategies behind choosing the person who’s a great match for you.


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6 thoughts on “Are you in a secure relationship?”

  1. Hmm, well I think I’m mostly in a secure relationship but as my wife points out I’m not the best at saying “I’m sorry” so I guess I need to work on that one.
    Keep em coming doc, good stuff

    1. Diane Strachowski

      You are not alone on that one. Repairing misunderstandings and hurts in relationships is something that many couples struggle with. Yes, I will speak more about this in the future.
      Thanks for your comment,
      Dr. Diane

    1. Dan,
      Yes, this is the kind of work I do, regardless if one or the other partner feels insecure it effects the couple. Please use my contact page to reach out to me.
      Dr. Diane

  2. Pingback: The apple never falls far from the tree: Understanding how you love - Secure In Love

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