We’ve been conditioned to think of relationships as 50/50, but truth bomb they seldom are, especially if you look at any given relationship during a slice of time.
Relationships are seldom equal because different stressors hit your relationship at different times. Say your partner is sick or loses their job or a loved one.
It’s believed that 20% of the stressors in your relationships cause 80% of the conflict. And it may not even be the stressors themselves, but how you cope with the stress-if you lash out at your partner or retreat into yourself.
Ultimately you are there for each other during the ups and downs. And in the end, you chose to weather the storms together.
In the short term, you might need to stop keeping score, stop looking for how your partner is coming up short, consider that they may not have more to give.
Low expressive people often suffer in silence or tell you they are OK because they think it is weak to share their suffering. However, you can see the stress your partner is under, the late nights working, and how distracted and unavailable they are.
It would be nice if they could tell you themselves. Think about what might be getting in the way of them sharing their truth? Perhaps they think you don’t want to hear it, or because you can’t help them, why bother talking about it.
The goal is to turn towards your partner and co-regulate, to help each other calm down. Instead of assuming your partner knows what you need you to ask them or acknowledge it.
Here is a possible script: ‘I need more patience from you; thank you for being flexible with me. I know I’ve been under a lot of stress and it’s probably not been easy on you either. Thank you for your kindness and understanding.’
Let me know what you think of this script.