chemistry in relationships

CHEMISTRY: is it overrated?

Ask any single person what they’re looking for in a relationship invariably they will say they are looking for  ‘CHEMISTRY’ with a partner. Having chemistry in any romantic relationship is important. But have you ever dissected what chemistry between two people actually is? I think CHEMISTRY is OVERRATED.

The use of the word ‘chemistry’ to describe romantic relationships is an interesting choice. On Wikipedia, Chemistry= “the complex emotional or psychological interaction between two people. “It can be described in the terms of mutual feelings – “a connection, a bond or common feeling between two people”, or as a chemical process – “[it] stimulates love or sexual attractionbrain chemicals are definitely involved”.

But what determines this complex interaction?  Do you have chemistry with those people who are your type or can you have chemistry with many people? Is Chemistry something that you have or you don’t?

I think about questions like these while I’m writing my book or this blog.  I want to understand what is important in relationships and why?

The problem is that single people often look at chemistry as being ‘black or white’ you either have it or you don’t. Within minutes you decide who’s in or out. Wow, there is chemistry! or Nope, don’t feel a thing. If you have limited time to date it might even be efficient to categorize mates into Yes or No categories. You’re running through your matches to check them off- No chemistry. Next? You seldom give people second chances.

chemistry is not black or white

There are pitfalls to being so quick to decide. In my practice, I hear the same thing from multiple people, Susan says, “when I first met John he wasn’t my type, I wasn’t even attracted to him. But over time he won me over, he was so funny.” If Susan had approached John in an all or nothing manner, she would have missed out on a great relationship. Might she not have given John another look?

Chemistry can be fleeting 

Despite having amazing chemistry with someone seldom does it last or is it enough. You date a person for months or years, at first, you are ‘crazy in love.’ Now you look back and feel very little. Strong chemistry with someone at the start of a relationship may be based on more than physical attraction. Often you have crazy chemistry with someone who is your TYPE. Your type, however, may not be healthy. You are attracted to a mate who is similar to your parent. They are unavailable like your Dad was. The level of effort you put in to get their attention is familiar. This must be love? The pattern is negative, but you have amazing chemistry. How unfair? At best, chemistry can buy you two years of passion, but be careful if it is an old pattern. Chemistry can come easily and if there is nothing more, it will not last.

I believe chemistry is over-rated for these two reasons. It’s not black or white and it’s not enough.

think about Dates as a ‘MAYBE’ not ‘yes’ or ‘no!’

When it comes to chemistry do you really have enough evidence to decide this with such little data? Based upon the evidence that often times people end up with someone who didn’t make the best first impression, why not give a potential mate more time? If you think about someone as a  ‘Maybe’ you leave yourself to be pleasantly surprised. Stay curious you never know what might happen?

think about chemistry as something that builds

When chemistry happens naturally you don’t think about what’s happening. When the chemistry is mutual between two people they both relax because they know it is safe to express how they feel. In order for chemistry to build, you must be relaxed and help your date relax.

Try the following tips to build chemistry:

  • 1. Share positive energy
  • 2. Be confident
  • 3. Enhance any sexual tension

* You are more attractive when talking about things that make you happy. Focus on positive topics; your promotion at work, your kids, your dog, your yoga practice, the latest music festival, your great summer vacation.

*Nothing is sexier than a person who is confident and certain. Assume that the person likes you. Think about making them feel good. Give compliments, ‘Wow, you have great taste in choosing this place,’ ‘I like your style.’

*If you keep things too nice, you will stay in the ‘friend zone.’ Chemistry includes flirtation and usually touch. It doesn’t have to be overtly sexual but can be flirty. Don’t be afraid to turn up the volume a little to see if chemistry might be there? See if a kiss can convert you from a ‘maybe’ to a definite ‘Yes!’

Summary: You want chemistry, who doesn’t? But if you’re single chemistry isn’t everything. Don’t think of it in black or white terms. chemistry can build if you give it some time. Share with me your own experiences with Chemistry, I want to know your thoughts?

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2 thoughts on “CHEMISTRY: is it overrated?”

  1. I agree with your blog post, I thought I had chemistry with a recent date, but I guess she didn’t agree. Women seem to want an instant connection, not sure if it always works that way?

    1. Phil,
      Thanks for your comment. Yes, I think we are a world of instant gratification part of the reason why I wrote this post.
      Hang in there and keep trying,
      Dr. Diane

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