Inner Focus: Becoming The Partner You Want

Hey there, it’s Dr. Diane, your friendly neighborhood Dating and Relationship Psychologist, and today I want to dive into a common dating woe that many of us can relate to – the infamous “Ick.” We’ve all been there, right? You meet someone, things seem promising, and then bam! Something comes up that triggers your inner cringe. I recently had a conversation with Jessica, a strong, independent woman who confessed that she gets the “Ick” way too easily. Let’s explore Jessica’s dating dilemma and how an inner focus could be the key to becoming the partner she truly desires.

Jessica describes herself as an independent type, and she’s frustrated with the dating scene. It seems like every time she starts to connect with someone, a red flag appears – personal hygiene, annoying habits, the closeness (or lack thereof) with their mom, money habits, or lifestyle choices. These issues, big or small, become roadblocks in her pursuit of a meaningful connection.

Now, Jessica, let’s talk about this pattern. You’ve identified these “Icks” as protection mechanisms, shielding you from potential heartache or disappointment. It’s almost like your internal radar is on high alert, constantly scanning for imperfections. But what if I told you that these very “Icks” might be preventing you from truly getting to know someone?

The root of Jessica’s over-protectiveness lies in her fear of losing independence. It’s a common concern for many independent individuals. The fear that merging lives with someone might compromise their autonomy. However, Jessica, it’s essential to recognize that vulnerability doesn’t equate to weakness. Opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a courageous act that can lead to deeper connections.

Have you ever experienced a situation where the initial “Ick” faded away with time? Perhaps you noticed certain behaviors in someone, felt uneasy about them, but as you spent more time together, those concerns dissipated. Relationships are a journey, and it takes time to truly understand and appreciate someone’s complexities.

Jessica, if you dismiss potential partners at the first sign of discomfort, you might be missing out on beautiful connections. It’s crucial to give it enough time to see what could genuinely develop. Independent individuals often have such a high screening process that they focus intensely on the other person, sometimes to the detriment of self-reflection.

Let’s turn the lens inward, Jessica. Are you projecting your fears onto others? When you scrutinize their habits or behaviors, are you also considering how you might contribute to the dynamics? It’s easy to get caught up in observing others, but a healthy relationship requires self-awareness too.

Consider this: “You don’t think they’re going to have issues with you?” Relationships are a two-way street, and it’s vital to approach them with a balanced perspective. Instead of fixating on potential flaws in others, focus on what you can bring to the table. What are your strengths, and how can you contribute to a supportive, loving partnership?

Secure individuals approach relationships with a wait-and-see mentality. They don’t rush to judgment based on initial impressions; instead, they patiently observe and, if necessary, address concerns as they arise. It’s a mature approach that stems from inner security and a belief that conflicts can be resolved through open communication.

Jessica, shifting your mindset from an overprotective stance to one of openness doesn’t mean ignoring red flags. It means allowing room for growth, both for yourself and your potential partner. The secure person understands that relationships require effort, compromise, and continuous learning.

So, my dear Jessica, let’s work on focusing on what you might gain from a relationship. There’s the potential for support, love, and healing of your independent attachment style. Embrace vulnerability, give it time, and remember that the path to a fulfilling partnership involves both self-reflection and understanding the complexities of others.

In our next session, we’ll delve deeper into strategies for cultivating vulnerability and embracing the wait-and-see approach. Until then, keep an open heart and mind on your journey to becoming the partner you truly want to be.

Stay tuned for more insights and advice from Dr. Diane, your Dating and Relationship Psychologist.



CODE: 2024