What Are You Really Communicating?

Understanding how you communicate is almost as crucial as your attachment style. ⁠

And together, your attachment style and communication style make up your Love Style. ⁠See my quiz to find out more.

The first thing to understand about love styles is that they’re not fixed, neither are they an absolute. We all have a range that we fall into. For example, I may have an anxious attachment style but have built my relationship with [SO’s name] in such a way that it feels secure to me (but you know what? It wasn’t always like that).⁠

I’ve also grown in my communication skills over the years which has made expressions of love feel more natural and less forced to me. And I wanted to share some of my tips with you!⁠

Advice For High Expressive Personalities:

If you’re a high expressive person, filtering is your friend.

Not sharing everything that pops into your head—because sometimes, when you say things, they can hurt people.

I want to warn you of something called ‘anxious angry’ for the anxiously attached person. It’s when you feel abandoned or rejected, and you lash out. If you’re high expressive and feel that way with your partner, it can be damaging to your relationship. While you move on quickly, your partner is left with negative comments and doesn’t feel good.

You might be of the mindset caring is sharing. I should share everything with my partner.

But I’m afraid I have to disagree—your partner doesn’t need to know everything.

Sometimes caring is NOT sharing.

Advice For Low Expressive Personalities:

You are the low expressive type, which means that you have a hard time speaking up when it comes to your relationship.

I bet you secretly hope that things will just get better on their own… but we both know that isn’t going to happen.

The thought of having to share how you feel freaks you out. No one asked how you felt or what you thought when you were young, so now as an adult, you don’t see the value in contributing to the conversation.

But no one can read your mind or know what you need, so if you don’t say anything, they’ll never know. Speaking up only feels bad in the beginning—it’s something that you can practice and get good at over time.

Here’s an acronym for speaking up: Be assertive and direct. Write down your thoughts first if that helps—and try not to “prime” your partner! Don’t make an extensive introduction like “We need to talk…” because then it sounds like they’re in trouble. Just take a deep breath and get it out!

Need more advice for how to be in a relationship with different attachment styles? Get my Love Styles Handbook For Couples.

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